My Stubborn Boyfriend

[Ms_Helper]

For all purposes, call me Ms. Helper and I'll be calling my boyfriend Steve.
I need some help, and somewhere to write out my story.

It was the end of october 2011 and I started texting a boy whom I met on an online dating site. We hit is off really well and by Jan 02, 2012 he'd asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. He told me around the end of march that he's done a lot of things, including drugs. He was throwing out all these words like oxycodone, which I'd never heard of at the time. To say I'm straight as an arrow and was fairly naive is an understatement. But at the time I didn't think much of it. I figured he meant these were things he's done in high school - and as we were both 22 I assumed those abuse days were over with.
By about the end of June or beginning of July I learned otherwise. Steve announced to the world he was going to get clean, and start a better life. He involved his family, friends and me - and I was sure that he was serious about treatment. But then a week later Steve attempted to commit suicide by overdosing, but I got to him before he could inject himself and stayed with him for a week - despite my classes in college. That week Steve began his suboxone treatments, and he said he finally felt normal. Functional and not craving. His face was no longer beat red from the drugs. I was really proud of him.
Skip forward to now - August 12. Steve recently decided he hated his doctor. We all do. Steve's doctor treats him like a court order, and while Steve expressed his willingness to do one on one therapy but his distaste for group therapy - the doctor insists on his group therapy sessions and holds his suboxone refills over his head as collateral. The doctor is demeaning, sometimes quite rude (accused me of wanting to take the pills for myself), lied about the pills being cheaper than the films, and put it in Steve's head that a relapse is perfectly acceptable (I've been narrowly able to keep him from doing so). Steve decided he would not go back.
The only problem is he was unable to find a new doctor. He's willing to travel over an hour out of his way - but every other doctor demands such a high deposit (despite the fact that Steve has been on subs for a while and has records of it, his clean urine tests, and group therapy sessions). Steve has even looked into methadone doctors - even though he hates the idea of methadone. He finally stopped going to his therapy sessions and refused to return to his doctor, even though he is out of options and medicine. He'd rather go into withdrawal. "I've withdrawn on subs before". He'd described to me it took months to get over the withdrawal of suboxone. I can't understand why he'd rather go through that pain than buy some time and see his shitty doctor one last time.
The night before his first suboxone appointment I held him while he suffered hours and hours of withdrawal. He sweated, cried, shook, twitched, and babbled on nonsensically. It hurt to see him like that, even for one night.
What hurts is he'd want to do that to himself for months on end. But what hurts more is he wants to put me and his mother through that. I feel bad about feeling this way - but it just seems selfish to me. I know it's him trying to get clean, and in his mind this is the plausible answer, but to me it's just going to hurt everyone around him.
Since the end of July I've been in another state visiting my family. But this Satuday (Aug 18) I'm supposed to fly back to Steve and stay with him and his family for a couple weeks before my classes start again. But I feel like I'm losing faith in him, that I've gotten myself into a relationship with nothing more than a brick wall at the end. Don't get me wrong, our relationship has been 95% good times, with laughs and smiles. He's a truly caring and wonderful man, that does nothing but try to make me happy. But this whole drug thing just puts a huge black cloud over the love I have for him. I need some advise, some comfort, anything really. I'm not going to be able to convince him to go back to his doctor. I've tried and tried, and all it does is pushes him away from me and upsets us both. So, please help us.
Sincerely,
Ms. Helper

[Goinstrong]

Wow, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I am also sorry to hear that your boyfriend is going through this. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us.

If this were me, I would do like you suggested and see this A-hole doctor wone more time, just to buy me some time until I could find another doctor. "relapsing is perfectly" acceptable....ummmm ok.....I'm not gonna touch that one. I would find another doctor as soon as possible. I understand the financial aspect and all that. Why is he so hell bent on not seeing him just one more time....just to get enough sub to make it through?

Best of luck to you and to your boyfriend. I do not think you are being selfish at all. Take care of yourself and let us know what happens. I'll keep you in my prayers.

[rule62]

Hi Ms_Helper, and I agree with goinstrong about staying with the doctor until he can find another. Tell him to just kiss his ass and pretend he is the greatest doctor in the world. Agree to all the meetings he wants and do it if he has to. In other words, feed the doctors ego and he should let up a bit. Fake it till you make it.

On the subject of your relationship with an addict. Well, I suggest you do some research about the relapse rate and see how much you do love this man to stand by his side while he may or may not mess up his life and yours. Love has nothing to do with addiction. We always hurt the ones we love first when practicing our addiction. Just give it some serious thought and know what you are heading into. He may do just fine. You know him best, not me.

This is only my opinion so take it or leave it. We do however Welcome you to the forum. Do some reading here so you can see first hand how an addict thinks.

Rule

[amber4.14.11]

Hi Ms. Helper........

You have gotten some good advice already, but I wanted to tell you a couple things, from an addict's position.

I got with my husband when I was 18, and he was 24. AT that time, I was just out of rehab, for a methamphetimine addiction.
I was 'dead set' on staying clean, and being a good person, and all that good stuff.
of course I dont need to go into all the 'gory details' but I started abusing perscription drugs, shortly after we moved in together, around 19 years old.
my addiction escalated, for TEN YEARS(almost 11). I quit many times, for not very long.
I didnt quit, until he kicked me out, and I had lost the ability to see my two yr old son.
I was IV'ing drugs, at the end, the last three months or so, and had also resorted to heroin, maybe the last 6 months.

You gotta know, your not dealing with the person, your dealing with the drug, the addiction, the "tornado'' I like to call it.
I feel like I drug around this tornado for ten years, with him right next to me, destroying everything around me.

Im very lucky, that he gave me another chance.
But Im telling you, it wasnt him, it was ME, that had to make the decision, to do it for ME.

Im not saying, it will take ten years, for him to come around. Im saying it MIGHT.
It might never happen.

yes, we are stronger for it, today. but its not always a fairytale.
Our story, definitely isnt one.

I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do.
You could distance yourself, and you know, make sure he's "in it, to win it" or however you want to say it. My husband kicked me outta the house, and it was only THEN, that I knew he was serious.
I still didnt give up for a month or so,
But I did eventually beat down the monster inside me.

Just trying to give you some sort of idea, of what you may be in for.

any other questions, just ask
oh, and sorry I dont have more encouraging words, just trying to be honest.

[Goinstrong]

Unfortunately, What Rule and Amber are saying is 100% true. The life of living with an addict is very very rarely, glorious. It would be nice if every addict had a "come to jesus" moment and lived their life like a saint from that point forward, for the rest of thier life. Unfortunately, that rarely, if ever, happens.

I personally have realpsed more times then I care to count. I will probably stay on suboxone for the rest of my life for that reason alone. All of the cognitive behavior skills are there. All of the therapy has been done, and I still see an addictions counselor. I have come to terms with losing custody of my daughters, and all of the havoc I have wreaked on everyone's life, including mine. I, relapsed anyway. I don't know why, and I may never know why. I am however well on my way with the help of suboxone. It has taken away all of my cravings and desire to use. I don't know why, and I really don't care if I ever understand why. I am just happy that the desire to use is no longer there. I am so content with being single, and taking care of my son. He is my whole world, as I am his.

One day, he wont need me any longer, and then I may consider a companionship. Or someone may appear in our lives sooner than I expect. Who knows. But for now, my priority is taking care of my sobriety. Without it I will have nothing else. Until your boyfriend gets to that exact same place, however he gets there, you can expect more and more relapses and heartache. I have no doubt that you love him. And like Rule said, addiction has nothing to do with love. I tried to love my sons father clean. To no avail. He is no longer a part of my life or my sons. And I am so glad.

I wish you nothing but the best, and highly suggest that you take the advice of Rule and read a lot of this forum. What better way to learn how an addict thinks, than to hear it straight from the horses mouth. Please ask any question that you want. We ARE here to support you, and to help in absolutely any way that we can. I'll keep you both in my prayers at night. Good luck to you both.

[Amy-Work In Progress]

I am more than a little worried for you, Ms. Helper. Unfortunately, the role of "Ms. Helper" can very quickly turn into "Ms. Co-dependent". It is very seductive to be in your position. You feel like you can help "save" Steve, and he needs you so much, but then slowly he and his addiction take over your life. Think of how much he's taken over your time already. Here you are, trying to get through college, but you have to drop everything to keep him from committing suicide, to keep him from relapsing, etc.

You are hurt that Steve could put you through this, but, let me tell you something. Steve isn't in charge of Steve. The addiction is in charge of Steve. I'm sure that Steve would never want to hurt you, but his addiction couldn't care less about you, and the addiction rules. Until Steve has a proven track record of staying sober for a long period of time, you can't assume he will get this addiction under control anytime soon. Rejecting his suboxone doctor may be his way of making excuses so that he can use again.

I get the feeling that you might not have a lot of experience with relationships. I want you to know that a real and positive relationship is not like your relationship with Steve. A good relationship does not leave you emotionally drained. A good relationship does not cause you to put your life on hold. I'm not saying that Steve is not a wonderful person or that he doesn't have potential. I'm saying that Steve is not in the driver's seat right now. I'm saying that you're in a relationship with Steve and with his addiction. When he is actively using, his loyalty will never be to you. It will be to his drug of choice (doc).

Let me ask you, how did you feel when you were out of state visiting your relatives? Did you feel relieved? Did you feel free and happy? Do not stay in this relationship out of guilt! I'm sure his mom has appreciated you helping with Steve and I'm sure that Steve has gotten used to relying on you, but that doesn't mean you have to stay. You are at a time in your life when you have a lot of possibilities available to you. If I were your mom, I would tell you to get out now! You've only known about his addiction for a month and a half. This is the tip of the iceberg of what you potentially have to deal with by getting involved with an addict.

I hope I'm not coming across as super harsh. I know it can be intoxicating to be newly in love, and to be needed so intensely, but you need to find someone who can give back as much as you give.

I wish you all of the luck in the world.


Amy

[neilyoung]

+1 to what Amy said.

We all know how this ends (been there, done that) and the chances of it ending the way we are all hoping are slim. I'd take a step back if I were you and think about this, or at least create some boundaries. The problem with this is that you need to be capable of sticking to them or they are meaningless.

The fact that you only recently learned about his addiction shows an addicts' deceitful and conniving actions taken by addicts.

How do you know when a junkie is lying? When he opens his mouth.

Take what he says with a grain of salt and think about yourself first. That's the only advice I can give you - the rest is on you. Good luck and keep us posted.

[subbed]

wow...what honest replys this thread has....and with heart

[suboxdoc]

I've been taking steps to revive things here. I decided to submit a new sitemap to search engines (sitemaps show the depth and structure of web sites). I am using a service that reviews contents of large databases. I used the same service to create a site-map of my blog, which contains about 400 posts about addiction. It took the program about 45 seconds to crawl and create a full sitemap.

I started the process to create a sitemap for this forum at about 9 AM today. The program has been running for 12 hours, and has mapped out about 25,000 pages. Every now and then I will click on a page, as it is indexed, and it's like watching 1970's TV: stories about the old days of addiction, back when the most-severe addictions were to (gasp) Oxycontin!

Read the post at the start of this thread. It is a reminder that back when things were getting bad, we had no idea that things would get much much worse.

At least on the positive side, the use of medication has become mainstream. Crazy that it took so long.


Don't forget to look at the 'related topics' posts for old times sake!!