to the families of an addict

Hi,I'm not sure if this is the correct place to post this,but here is what I want to say. First of all,I am a recovering heroin addict and have been on sub for about 2 years now,slowly weaning off! The first year and a half I did sooo good,no relapses or anything. But ,after my case with CPS was closedit started going downhill. I started talking to my old using buddy,and,surprise! She was still using! Needless to say I relapsed,quite a few times. At first,the only people who knew was my sister,my fiancee,and my stepdad. We didn't want to tell my mom because she was going thru her own hell with cancer & chemo.(fyi:to date she is in remission!) But then one day I went to my moms house high & she knew something wasn't right with me,so she called my fiancee over. Well,long story short,when him & I were outside talking,she went thru my purse & found my dope & brought it out & asked what it was. So now she founf out what we were trying to keep from her. Here is what I'm trying to get to: the way my mom handled it was not good for me! She thought she was trying to help when actually she made matters worse. What she did was YELL,THREATEN,& MADE ME FEEL LIKE THE BIGGEST PIECE OF CRAP & LOSER I THINK I AM! So,please,to any family members or friends of addicts,if you want to help someone who is an addict,please don't do what my mom did! If someone tells me "you better do this or that" its gonna make me want to do the exact opposite! We already know we have a problem,we know what will happen if we keep using,but we do not need to feel worse than we already do! Just please talk to us,openly & in a caring tone. We need to know we have support from you,that you will help us with our addiction problem. We don't mean to hurt you,we are sick people who just want to get better!
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Hang on tight! Its gonna be a bumpy ride!

Last edited by hatmaker510 on Sun May 16, 2010 11:58 am; edited 1 time in total

Hi drg74,

I totally hear when you're coming from. I agree with you that such a response from a loved one does no good. I don't know if other people are also like this, but I know I'm just like you in that when someone tries to order me about, I, too, want to do just the opposite. I also think that when someone makes us feel worse - whether they intend to do so or not - it doesn't help the situation.

That said, I try to remind myself that they're in a unfamiliar situation too and they probably don't know how to respond to us. I guess what I'm trying to say is it's a tough spot for everyone involved. But you're right about just needing caring, non-judgmental support from our loved ones.

I hope your mom comes around. I'm sorry to hear about your relapses - how are you doing these days? I'm really glad you started this thread. It might be cathartic for other people to be able to express what they would want to say to their families.

PS - I LOVE your avatar.
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‎“Just 'cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.”
~ George Carlin

Well....I'm going to play devil's advocate here. I feel for you, drg74. I know you're trying to get better and that you've made positive strides in recovery. I know it's painful to relapse and that you're probably suffering with it a lot. Hopefully, you're back on track again. And there's nothing you can do about the past, that's for sure. You can't undo the fact that you relapsed and there's nothing to be gained by being beaten over the head with it.
However, your mother has a right to say her peace. You screwed up and she's probably pretty disappointed and angry at you right now. Who could blame her? She's probably scared for you too....very scared. You mentioned CPS being involved so obviously you had some serious issues going on and were in a lot of trouble. If I recall from your older posts, you had lost your child(ren) for a while because of your drug abuse and I think your mom helped with them. (Correct me if I'm wrong and I'm sorry if I'm not remembering right) But anyway, if that's the case, I'd say you're mom's entitled to be pissed and to yell at you.
Maybe that wasn't the 'best' way to handle you and maybe it didn't seem to be 'helpful' to you, but you've got to give her a break! Why do you deserve to treated with kid gloves when you're the one who screwed up? Who are you to judge your mother's reactions? She didn't "make" you feel like "the biggest piece of crap, loser." You did that all by yourself when you chose to hang out with drug addicts again and open yourself up to relapse and then go forward and use heroin again despite knowing full-well what the consequences would be. I'm not trying to be overly hard on you about the relapse. It happens....it part of addiction. I totally get that and you deserve forgiveness and understanding and support...completely. And I hope you get it and get back into recovery asap. All I'm saying is to try and have empathy for what your mother is feeling. She deserves to be upset with you and say whatever she needs to say.....right or wrong....therapeutic or not. She gets to feel what she feels. And I would almost bet you money that the prevailing emotion behind the harsh words is FEAR. So try to forgive her immediately if she hurt your feelings or made you feel worse about yourself. And if nothing else, be more determined than ever to prove to her that you won't screw up again.
By the way....it sounds like you have no business weaning off your Suboxone. I hope you've let your doctor know about the relapse(s) and gotten properly reinduced onto a high enough dose to get lined back out. You might also want to consider getting rid of the jerk of a 'buddy' who got you back using again. And....I'm glad your mother's cancer is in remission. She's been through a lot and I know you have too. Hopefully you can both forgive one another. Maybe then you can talk to your mom and explain to her how her words hurt you and that you really need her support more than ever after relapsing. But personally, I don't think we have the right to flat-out tell our loved ones how to react or how to feel when we've hurt and disappointed them so deeply. Especially in the heat of the moment when that loved one has just found drugs on you and is shocked and angry.
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You can't undo anything you've already done, but you can face up to it. You can tell the truth. You can seek forgiveness. And then let God do the rest.

drg74,

I'm sorry you have relapsed and are now having some family issues on top of it. I hope your mom can calm down and find a better way to work with you on this. I think you spoke well for most of us addicts who tend to do the opposite of what someone else is demanding. The pressure we place on ourselves is already tremendous and then you add another persons demands on top of it and I just feel doomed to fail from the beginning. Then I don't even try and want to go use to alleviate the pressure. I have never had a family member who was really kind and helpful to me in addiction. I always hid it. When my husband found out he yelled, screamed, told me what a jerk I was. I knew I deserved everything he was launching at me so I just sat there crying and agreeing with him. I was already off drugs at that point but it was something that needed to occur.

I think sometimes we need to hear what they are saying though. Sometimes they have to yell for us to hear them. I don't like it, and it isn't always very effective, but sometimes I deserved what I had coming.

I hope you can get back into a good sub program and increase your dose to avoid relapse again. I think you aren't ready to come off the sub. I am concerned for your health. Do you mind sharing your plan? Do you have a plan?

Cherie

Thanks,guys for your response! What I was really trying to do here was to let anyone who knows an addict that they want to help was to let them know,from an addicts perspective,a way to talk to them that might help better than another way. Sorry,that sounded a little confusing! I'm just trying to let an addict's family/friend know that if they want to help,just please don't yell at or threaten us. I'm just speaking from my experiance that when my mom or whoever comes at me in that manner,all it does is make the situation worse. I'm not saying that they don't have the right to speak to us like that or anything,because really I think we deserve it. But I have also read somewhere about addiction & what you should do or not do,and that was just some of the things that were mentioned. I know my mom loves me & just wants to help me. My fiancee talked to her and let her know that he understands where she's coming from,but for me personally,a better way to reach me or get thru to me & help me is to not start with attacking me or by yelling. My mom and I have talked a lot since this happened,and I feel better about the way she is handeling this problem of mine. And,yes,she did have my children in her custody when CPS was involved & we were going thru all this. So I know what you're getting at about how she felt when she found out I relapsed. I know she was scared,not just for me,but for her grandchildren,too. She has said she doesn't want to see them go thru that again,and neither do I. But of course when we're using,we don't think of things like that! Someone asked me about my plan,I'm really not sure what to do. I've been in rehab before and currently on 6mg.sub. I know I need some other kind of help,but right now I'm just not sure what route to take.
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Hang on tight! Its gonna be a bumpy ride!

I understood the intent of your post and I agree with you. I am also just very concerned because clearly you need something or some help. If it was me I would start by talking with the sub doctor. I would assume they may want to increase your dose. 6mg is pretty low and if you increase the dose you will probably feel safer. Therapy is also helpful if you aren't already doing it. I just hope that you will take this very seriously and figure out what you need to do.

Cherie

My boyfriend use to disappear for a day or two to get high. I would not hear from him. I'd call his friends and big for them to just tell me that he was alive. When he got his fill he would call and ask me for a ride. And me being the rescuer that I was would be out the door in 2 minutes to get him. I saw it as my chance to finally get him home safe and sound. Looking back on that I think the thing that bothers me the most is what he would say when he called for the ride, something along the lines of "I'll let you come getme but you can't yell at me or be mad because I feel like shit now". So I'd pick him up, he'd take a handful of downers, sleep a day or two and everything was suppose to be okay. WHOA...what a minute. That means that I hade spent almost 4 days without sleep; worried, angry, anxious, heartbroken. and he gets to tell me not to yell at him? Yes the drugs were driving and controlling him but looking back I was completly entitled to yell at him. He has been clean almost a year now and that still just kills me. Think what bothers me the nost was that I would comply. he would come home and I would accomadate to how he was feeling. He never thought about how I was feeling. I'm not trying to say the addict has it easier than the family member, everyone involved is in a horroible situation. But just remember its hard on everybody.

I don't think anyone is saying it's not hard on everyone, because it certainly is. It's just hard in different ways. And yes, with what you described, you had every right in the world to be angry. It sounds like it was an enabling relationship and those are very complex. How are things going now? Have you thought about couples counseling? I say this because my husband, like you, had so many unresolved emotions about my addiction, rightfully so. For him, I don't think he knew how to express them. We ended up in marriage counseling and it has helped us SO much, more than I can say. I've been on suboxone now for 19 months and I think it's finally safe to say we've dealt with it all and our communication is now 100% honest and open, so any feelings that do come up we can address them in a healthy manner. I would encourage you to express those feelings with your boyfriend - get them out so you both can start moving forward. I wish you the very best.

Hat
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‎“Just 'cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.”
~ George Carlin

There is a fine line between enabling and helping and it can be very hard to know how to react to finding out your child is abusing drugs and even harder when they relapse because you are thinking maybe I did not handle it right the first time. You hear about tough love and letting them work things out for themselves and you don't know which way to turn. Do you let them know you are disappointed in their actions or do you continue with the unconditional love approach. Right or wrong it was clear to me that I would rather be an enabler and have him alive. I am sure your mother loves you but you have to realize she is questioning her own actions of the past and is trying to find the right path for you and her.

I understand that sometimes you want to yell at them out of frustration. I try to keep my cool most of the time, as hard as it is. I have tried to give my son love and understanding, a shoulder to cry on when the depression sets in. I listen when he needs to talk. I try to reinforce good decisions and behavior without making him feel bad about himself.

What is very difficult to see is where the fine line between support and enabling comes in. When do you know? How far do you go before it's considered enabling? I need some advise!

I really don't know other than sometimes I have to stop myself from doing too much for my son. He brought over dirty laundry and he was not feeling well so I really wanted to just do it for him but I stopped myself and reminded him his clothes were in the dryer. Baby steps! I think I will try and get some counseling also.

I just wanted to drop in here and suggest Naranon and Alanon as great, free resources for the loved-ones of addicts. It can be so difficult to know how to help and how to take care of yourself when you're dealing with a family-member's addiction, and connecting with other people who have been there can be such a relief. I hope that anyone who is struggling with these issues will at least check these organizations out.
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You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.

-Jack Kornfield

As far as doing too much for my son, I may do some of his laundry, but he returns the favor. He helps me around the house when my husband is away by mowing the lawn and cleaning the house and he goes to work everyday. I have no complaints there.

I have a friend that goes to Al Anon meetings, and she has been such a great help to me. I think I'll try to find a local meeting too!