Well said Romeo,,,, the FIRST part. LOL
I feel the same way for sure.
Growing up, was no easy task for me, I mean as a kid. I hated school, even though I got pretty good grades. I just had this conversation with somebody a week or so ago, they said, "dont you wish you could go back to when you were a teenager and have a do-over?"
Being a teenager was awful, for me. I was SOOOOO different. I was one of those "late bloomers" I guess you could say. I had a lot of "guy friends" becuase I raced cars at the local dirt track with my grandpa, my only "saving grace" The track actually closed when I was 16 (you could race at 14) and thats when things kinda got fucked up.
Anyways, I found an older crowd of people that accepted me, and they had 'fun'
I was actuallly living on my own, at 16, in a 5th wheel, in a rented space in a trailer park. I couldnt get along with my stepdad, and everything "bad" I did, he blamed my mom for, so my mom asked me to move out. I moved back with my grandma and grandpa at 18, when they found out about my meth adiction.
dont ask me how THAT works, I quit methamphetamine fairly easily. Went to detox, and some outpatient, was done with it.
I then went to trade school, and got into the carpenters union.
The first time I screwed up my back pouring concrete, they gave me oxy's. I had blue cross blue shield insurance, and that was pretty much all the doctors wanted to do.
Well needless to say, the more I worked , the more problems I had.
Had carpol tunnel surgery at 21. Diagnosed with arthritus in my back around age 24, had a bad car wreck at 27.
I could go on and on, and alot of you have heard some of this before.
For the longest time, I was a 'functional addict'
I dont know what changed, but all of a sudden it seemed like I just COULDNT STOP.
I lied, cheated, stole anything/everything I could, and I stole just about everything I could from my grandmother (gpa died in 04)
the only person, that was still "around" for me, in this viscous cycle of addiction.
The day she asked me if I needed help, I couldnt even speak.
She had figured out I used a credit card of hers, and racked up about 5g's in debt, in a little over a month.
She was upset,
"I love you more than anything, but this cannot go on"
" I want to help you, but Ive been thru this with your granfather and uncle, and YOU have to want it"
I will be here when you are ready, and until then, I cannot give you anything, not even a dollar.
I could tell it was like the hardest thing she probly ever said to somebody.
and I was ready for help. I knew she was gonna find out about that credit card, I think it mightve been my "cry for help"
I had heard about suboxone, but didnt think twice about it, until around this time. I had already tried the methadone thing, I actually had been getting two dif Rx's from two diff doctors, for "pain"
but I REALLY liked to take WAY too much. lol
and I tried to quit a few times, with nothing, just taper and quit. but it never worked. and the last time it happend, when I used agian, I started using a needle. I remember thinking, if Im gonna be a junkie, IM gonna be a GOOD one.
I hear people say "recovery isnt sopposed to be easy"
You know, we didnt lose everything overnight, and its not gonna come back overnight either.
I think this WHOLE journey (still going) has made me the person I am.
I HOPE to god, I'll be able to send my son down a different path.
Ive promised myself, I'll remember (for his sake) that being a teenager isnt EASY , especially when your diferent, and you live in a rural area like mine.
and if he does fuck up, like I did,
well I'll already have a masters degree in 'what to do' like my grandma did,
instead of just burrying my head in the sand like my mom did.
I wear my recovery like a badge of honor.
I dont care who knows about it, and people that ask me about it, Im more than happy to tell them, becuase maybe it'll help someone ??????
Many, many people out there have NO CLUE what they are getting into with pain pills, or anything else for that matter.
I was in active addiction for about 10 years, and I know I'll never be the same.
I also think,
I had to go through that, to be HERE, today. to not take what I have NOW for granted. which from the outside looking in, doesnt look like much, but its a WHOLE LOT TO ME.
got my top teeth yanked out yesterday. already had my bottoms done. next month I'll have dentures on top, and a partial on the bottom.
NO PAIN PILLS.
you know, the top doesnt hurt too bad!!!! the bottom was rEALLY painful, cuz I had an active infection, when they were chipped/cut out. most of them were broken. Anyways, Im so happy this has been a breeze compared to the bottom. he left me 4 front teeth to eat with til my denture is ready. so I look pretty funny, but OH WELL. soon I'll have a bright new smile to go with my bright shiny recovery.
one year, 13 days and counting
thanks for letting me share, YOU all are awesome here.
anyone can give up,
its the easiest thing in the world to do, but to
hold it together, when everyone would understand if you fell apart
That's TRUE STRENGTH