On the other side of addiction

Breezy said: "If she wanted to talk about that type of stuff then I would tell her what I thought."

I LIKE THAT! That isn't something - for some reason - hadn't occurred to me. Maybe because I'm in such a state right now. I'm definitely going to include that in my "terms", so to speak.

You all don't know how you're helping me. Talking about it helps me to bounce ideas around and to think about it from different perspectives. Plus I don't have much support right now. Especially since my husband's health is still....well, deteriorating, for lack of a better word. It's so scary I can't even put it into words right now.

Keep the opinions and perspectives coming. Thanks for being here for me.
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-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

It is an all too familiar pattern as Breezy has also demonstrated with her sister. People attracted to abusive relationships - it goes both ways with men and women but we are most accustomed to hearing the horror stories of women in abusive situations - being treated like crap both mentally and physically. On one hand you sympathize with the victim and on the other you loath the perpetrator. The bottom line is that there is usually some sort of underlying issue that needs to be addressed.

I just think about how every time I listen to Dr. Drew or 'Love Line' a woman calls in about an abusive relationship trying to get advice on how to make it work and almost immediately every time, he says, 'ok what happened to you as a child?', they deny anything happened, however, with enough insistence, he often gets to the cause and we almost always hear about a child abuse incident. The conclusion is that the caller is attracted to that treatment because it is learned. There is a lack of self worth and the treatment verifies the victim's emotions. Unfortunately in Hat's case there is an ugly constellation prize of substance abuse. Oh boy!

Hat, I know you mentioned that you told her your story, actually, I thought you would say that because you sound like you have exhausted all avenues and so it is not surprising you've unloaded onto her. Even still, I still think you need to consider, can talking to her about your issues, - ie - asking her for advice about your struggles. So what I am saying is turn the situation into a dual support system - G-d knows you need someone and she is, as stated, your best friend.

It seems that turning to her for support for yourself could benefit you both - you may have tried it already but perhaps let her give you some advice which may turn on a light-bulb in her head.

In truth it sounds like counselling is in order to help acknowledge and break the vicious cycle.

All the best kind woman Wink

Like I said earlier the disease of addiction surmounts any relationship we have when in active addiction and I hate to say it but I believe the draw he has over you being able to make sense to her and win over such a loser is the fact he is her drug outlet. When we want to use we will go around all types of people that abuse us. Hell we are abusing ourselves so in turn we allow others to also.

I was in a very similiar relationship with someone and my best friend for 30 years could not accept that relationship. So for her own health and well being she had to draw the line. I never did and still years later have never been able to tell her the truth of why I kept going back for more when the reason was so stupid and would kill her ego. IT WAS I COULD USE DRUGS IN THAT RELATIONSHIP. When I finally quit using and was able to also stop the using behaviors is when she won out and she was better for me to be around, easier for me to take her advice etc...but as long as I wanted to use full time and/or even part time this other person was a stumbling factor for me. Nothing personal no doubt my 30 year friend was a better friend, better for me in my life, a much better person all together but to use drugs, the other person was more necessary so to say. COULD THAT BE IT?
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Wishing you the best in love and life. Finallyachance.

I don't even know where to start. The story is pretty much over, but did it get worse before it got better. I don't really care to go back and read where I left off in the story, but I'll try to catch you up. I don't know if I mentioned it, but since the first of the year, she's been staying with my husband and I. It was NOT planned, but I won't go into details (and we weren't happy about it). Since then, things went to shit. Keep in mind that except for about a 3 month break, she's been staying with us for nearly one year now. Hell, you could say we've been helping to support her.

I've done everything humanly possible to help her. EVERYTHING! And tried every different way possible to reach her. All the way until it got to where I was enabling her. Add to all this that she's a very inconsiderate person and she hangs out with a really bad bunch of people and makes really bad decisions. In the 6 weeks she's been here, she's gotten robbed (by that wonderful man she "loved" so much! Finally the last straw), had her car break down (for which we paid half to have it repaired-just so we didn't have to drive her back and forth to work anymore!), and many more clusterfuck of situations only she seems to get into - usually related to those people and her bad decisions.

A slow build up over time and then this weekend, well, she finally pushed my very kind, gentle, and extremely passive husband over the edge. I've NEVER seen him like this in all the 10+ years I've known him. She of course resorted to personal attacks - as per usual - and chose to leave in the middle of the night. I didn't beg her to stay. She packed up her shit and her cat (yes, her cat's been here, too)-oh and even though we've been feeding her for all this time, she took it upon herself to take whatever SHE last bought at the grocery store with her! She's also practically destroyed anything of ours that she's used. In the end, she tells us WE are the "crazy" ones and that living with us was too much of an "emotional burden" FOR HER! FOR HER! We "put an emotional burden ON HER"! OH MY GOSH.... Can you fucking believe that?? This was said to me in a message, so I wasn't able to respond, but damn did I laugh and laugh and laugh. (I have no intention of responding. I'm done.)

She is in complete denial as well as projecting most of not all of her issues. I know she's a mess and I understand why. And I still feel awful for her. That's not the point. But I throw my hands up. I'm done. I have exhausted my options and have nothing left to try. She had a golden opportunity to get her shit together over the last 11 months. There wasn't a damn thing more we could have done. I walk away with a clear conscience.

The shame of it all is that this whole thing has destroyed our close relationship. She'll always be my cousin of course. But I expect she'll manage to extricate herself from the family for awhile, so that may not be an issue. I expect things between us will never be the same. At least not until she really, REALLY gets past all this and heals, if that's even possible.

This has dragged on for so long now and I almost think that's a good thing. It's given me time to slowly grieve this friendship. It's not so sudden for me. I've been expecting this to happen and now, I'm OK. And we have our home back! And our lives (it feels that way). WHEW...you have no idea how good that feels. Actually, it hasn't quite sunk in yet. I'm still tense; it'll take a few days for that to wear off.

That's what's going on with this mess ! Mr. Green

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-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

Hey, hat-

I just want to say that I'm very glad that this goat rodeo is finally over for you and your husband-
and that you two finally have your home back.

Hopefully- your stress levels will become greatly reduced, now- and in the days ahead.

Good Luck,

-ex-

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"boy am I grateful to be on Suboxone today."~rule

That's a good thing and a shame at the same time. You need your space. One thing I learned in therapy is you can't be totally self sacrificing and can acknowledge your needs. Yes, she is in total denial - been there!. It took a lot to get past denial. It starts with just wanting to get out of denial - she is not even close. Once you want to get past it, ie, once you are starting allow it to surface it takes help admitting it and that is a very scary / daunting thing. It took months of coaxing for me to finally admit, and that is after wanting to admit my problems of addiction. Then from there, you need support. Fortunately support is plentiful at that point.

One piece of advice. You are clearly upset, but don't forget she is family and she deserves forgiveness. Of course that may be hard to imagine with the banter and accusations you've had to endure, especially after having furnished so much. Just try to remember it is not her fault she is the way she is. Seems like the best thing to do is just stay behind the scenes and do the best to be ready to jump in and help if she gets into serious trouble. The ability to take that position shows your nobility. For now, just take a deep breath and adjust Wink

Guess what guys....she turned up again. This time, practically begging for addiction help. Since I last saw her, she went back to heroin. I let her in my house and we talked. I was very blunt in my honesty with her. She knew I probably won't believe anything that she says anymore and I told her that yes, that's true. She admitted that she deserved that. She apologized for hurting me and not being there for me and for being a lousy-ass friend when I needed one the most.

She said she tried to find a sub doctor and they wouldn't take her w/o insurance. (Now THAT'S different, isn't it???) She get's her health care at a resident's clinic at the local county hospital. I encouraged her to go there and be honest and seek help from them. She fears the stigma of a heroin addict and is afraid to admit her problem to her doctor. I also encouraged her to call other sub doctors to ask about open slots in the patient assistance program. I basically offered her my ideas so that SHE CAN HELP HERSELF.

She cannot depend on me anymore. And I told her that. She's resourceful and she needs to depend on herself. I'm sorry if I sound cold, but I can't do it again or anymore.

We're on speaking terms again and I'll help by talking to her, but that's about it. Does this make me selfish? Maybe. But do I need to be selfish now? I think so. I wasn't selfish and I put her first for nearly one full year in our life. No more! My priorities are my husband, our marriage, and myself (not necessarily in that order).
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-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

I'll try to keep the details short and sweet, but I'll start by saying this is good news! My cousin has stayed "clean" (still hate that word) since my last post, save for a slip or two. Considering how unstable she's been, I DO consider this GREAT news. And since my hubby and I were on vacation for two weeks, she's been 100% relying on herself for ALL of her needs. When I see her now, we're JUST friends. I hadn't thought about it until after we returned, but us going away for two weeks put her in a position where if she got into trouble she was forced to get herself out of it and not rely on me/us. Now that we're back it's stayed that way. Smile

I am so relieved that she's finally making this genuine effort. She even went so far as to come clean with her family doctor about her entire addiction and trying to find a suboxone doctor. Now, I was damn proud of her for that, as I know how hard that can be.

She's got her own place now, still in the same job, and it even looks like a second job as well. No matter how much I may have crossed the line into enabling her previously, I'm happy with the way things turned out. She and I actually have a better relationship now for having been through this. And I learned things about myself from this whole experience, too. For example, I finally learned how to recognize WHEN I cross the line into enabling. I could never tell when I went from supportive to enabling. My marriage counselor put it to me this way: If in helping another person, I am doing more work than they are, then it's likely that I'm enabling them. I think it's a great guideline in helping me to keep my boundaries intact.

I wanted to share this more upbeat news with those of you who supported me when this was making my life a living crazy-ass hell. I can honestly say I've been on both sides of the disease of addiction and the two perspectives are most definitely uniquely different. But seeing both sides helps me to understand even more points of view and can only help me.

Thanks to those of you who've supported me through this tough time. Whew!
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-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

My cuz is still doing great. Hasn't used heroin since I last reported. Still living on her own in her 1-bed rented house and at the same job continuing to do well. Living her life and relying on herself. No more enabling from me - or for that matter, she doesn't even need help from me anymore. I'm thrilled with the way things have turned out. And I admit some of it was just pure luck, because I really crossed the line with the enabling and it blew up twice before things finally worked out. But she and I both learned a lot and are closer now because of it. And our relationship has more balance in it and is so much healthier.

I've said it before, I don't post about myself very much here. I don't know why, it's just me I guess. I'm a "rescuer" by nature so I'm more comfortable playing that role than the "rescue-ee". (Which is why it was so important for me to learn how to stop enabling.) But when I shared this with you all, it gave me perspective and helped just by being able to talk about it. And it helped by having other people to be able to talk it out with. That's always a good thing, in my book. One point of view is always a limited view.

Anyway, thanks. Smile

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-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.