Jumped without a parachute.... Didn't even count to 3..

Good morning, to those on the east. Quick story how I ended up here today.

6 days ago, after hiding it from my would be fiance, she found out I had been on suboxone. I left my phone out, and she grabbed it, looked through my texts and saw me trying to find more sub from a person I had dealt with for years before. I came outta the shower to her greeting me with, babe... I have 3 questions for you. Who's (name of dealer), why do you feel like crap, and what is suboxone? I paused and answered honestly after breaking into tears. Cried like I never have for I hurt the only woman I've ever loved and whom has ever loved me. Grown man, sobbing for hours. Long story short, she eventually decided that she would be by my side from here on out. She would never waver in her love and support for me.

So that was it. Took 8mg day before. Had about 3mg that day. And I lept into the abyss. I fought opiate addiction for 7 years and have been on suboxone and clean for over 3 of them. I never got them from a doctor because I was too chicken. Bottom line.... It was time. I have the support I always needed. Sure as hell beats doing it alone as I had tried 100 s of times before.

I'm on day 6. I suppose 3 if you take into consideration the supposed 72hr halflife of sub. Or so I hear. Nonetheless here I am. The bitch of it is I just started a new job about 4 months ago and cannot take time to do this in my own home. So I have worked a physical job in a warehouse from day 1 of this. Yea... I know... And yes... It's hellish. I think the worst part is the fact that I haven't slept in 3 days now, and it's taking it's toll. It doesn't help that my commute is just under 2hrs each way either. Yes, I'll be moving soon.

I've never made it this far, and I've never felt it more possible than I do right now. The wds are alive and well... Kickin my ass hard. But I'm a fighter. I'm doing everything right this time. Taking supplement after supplement and obviously staying active. I wanna put this behind me.

I could ramble on for hours... I always have a lot to say.

can anyone relate to my story? I wanna hear it all.. The good, the bad and the ugly. Thanks guys.... I'll be around!

Congratulations! I am so glad you have love and support thru this hard time. It is very empowering to have the one you love by your side and allows the strength inside of you to come out in full force.

You can do this and have a very healthy attitude. It isn't going to be easy but just take it one day at a time. Soon it will be a distant memory and you will be free.

You should be extremely proud of yourself as I'm sure your fiance is. Remember thru this hard time that it is not permanent, you will start feeling better. As hard as it is try not to focus on your symptoms because our minds can make it even worse. Let us know how your doing and if there is anything we can help you with along the way. We will be here to support you through this. Welcome to the forum!

thanks so very much for the kind words. That's why I'm here. I've never thought enough to try and have some kind of support system. Whoever started this site is a godsend. I will check in day to day. I know this is all possible. And with kind people like yourself, makes it feel even more attainable. Take care and thank you again!

the working through this will either help or hinder... But either way I know I got this. It's been the right time for a long time... I just never knew it.

thanks.

btw... On break feeling very slow, drained... Blurred vision... Chills... Hot, cold hot cold, and sneezing... All the usual suspects. Everyone has always said that physical activity promotes wellness and can aleviate the symptoms temporarily, but I gotta say for me... I feel as if it heightens it??!! I don't know. Either way it's the hardest mind game and right now I got a hold on this!

back to work..

Full week.... 7 days! Never come this far, not one time. I felt like I was going backwards last night.... Took healthy dose of melatonin and some benedryl to konk out... To no avail. The RLS was at a peak, and even moved into my shoukders and arms. My girlfriend tried everything she could think of to comfort me. Massaged my shoulders and arms, and just tried her best to comfort me. Which she did very very well. The RLS was too much, and I ended up on the couch tryinh to sleep sitting up because that's the only time I had felt close to normal. I think I finally passed out from the whole ordeal for I'd assume a lil over 2 hours... Off and on mind you. Then up at 4:40 am to take the 2hr commute to work. (obviously not a typical warehouse job, or I'd never do this) Sooo groggy.... Omg I felt queazy and lathargic and wow just horrible. They say ur body needs rest to heal!?!? How the eff am I supposed to do that! I played the mind over matter game... And I spose I lost. I tried to knock myself out...and now here I am feeling less than 25% and I have to be on my feet for the next 9 hours and have the pleasure to brave the turnpike for 2 hours and finally get home! I'm not looking for pitty... This is my experience. How do I get through this day?? How do I invoke energy? How do I sleep!? I've never come this far and I will NEVER EVER go back to full opiates or sub. Btw... Sub gave me my life back .. Made me who I am today and I will be forever grateful for it's effects! I'm going to friggin do this! Holy freakin god I am! I need to! And most importantly...I WANT TO!!

WOW. You are doing really well, and you sure have a LOT of conviction if you can do the taper you did and haul your ass to work. It is not easy, I know. 7 days in? You'd be about at hump day by now - or the day when things peak and start to get better. If your experience is anything like mine, by day 12 you should be feeling pretty OKAY. Day 12-14 off Sub was like day 7 off heroin for me - the days I felt like I could do things without forcing myself.

I'm sure you know at least some of it but ... post detox, you'll need to approach your long term recovery every day with the same conviction as you have to fight through the withdrawal. But it's a different kind of battle. The real challenge I think starts after withdrawal, learning to face the uncomfortable feelings that non-addicts deal with, and that we'd usually try to medicate. And learning not to focus on any cravings or urges that come up. If you've been using that long and avoiding feelings, you'll have 7 years of growing up to do in a relatively small period of time. Growing up / catching up that fast takes work, and most of that work is facing and working through those emotions as an adult, and overcoming the urge to run and use.

But you have a fantastic girl by the sounds of it... and a job that you're committed to... and you know what's best for you, so you've got that going for you. I think being honest with your partner about absolutely everything is a must in recovery, and that's coming from someone who deceived everything and everyone. If I kept lying to my ex, even about non-drug things, I wouldn't have been open to any of the support she gave me in our relationship at all, and I would still be using today.

Good luck and stick around.

PRAY! I am not religeous AT ALL man, but I gotta tell ya, I have started to pray to the universe, the man or whatever and it is the ONLY thing that helped. Give it a try.. I mean it it has helped me HUGE> (I also count my blesings in addition...) You got this. Just keep on keeping on man. I can not imagine how you must feel but I will say a prayer for you and please let us know how you are doing..Good luck....

PRAY! I am not religeous AT ALL man, but I gotta tell ya, I have started to pray to the universe, the man or whatever and it is the ONLY thing that helped. Give it a try.. I mean it it has helped me HUGE> (I also count my blesings in addition...) You got this. Just keep on keeping on man. I can not imagine how you must feel but I will say a prayer for you and please let us know how you are doing..Good luck....

You see... It's a support system like this that gives me just that much more courage and will. Yea I'm here... Feelin like hell draggin my feet but I'm fighting my way through. The smile on my girls face everyday I get through makes me proud and her as well. I went a year and a half without using anything in 2006. Those days I was up to well... ALOT of oxy. I honestly don't remember for the life of me how I did it, why or anything at all about it. I remember I was just very bored more or less... But did well. This was all before I even knew sub ever existed! If I could home into that time period I think I'd be in better shape.. I just can't recall a single effin day of it Sad

I know I have this in the bag again... I know it! You guys are quite empowering. I don't pray... But there is someone I love I talk to. My grandfather... The most empowering man I've ever known! He died 8 years ago from colon cancer. His ring hasn't left my neck since! I'll do whatever it takes! And guess what... You all will get to see me come out the other end of this... That's my promise and I swear to it!!! Thank you again! I'll be checkin in! Hope to hear more!

Hey V, I typically do not pray either.( I did say a prayer for you however.) I actually have a few very dear friends & relatives that have passed away and more than praying to any religeous figure, I would pray or talk to them. So for sure talk to your Grandad. I do not think it matters to WHOm you talk/pray but so long as you are verbalizing the universe will provide. It is an energy I feel that we are all connected to. SO give it a shot. Hope you feeling better or at least able to get thru. You sound so positive and that will take you FAR. Thank you for keeping us all posted. We are ALL behind you.. BLESSINGS

Hey VariTech,

Welcome to the forum!!

I jumped from a dose of Suboxone that was certainly on the high side too, very close to the dose you were taking actually. What I found was this....if you want this, then you will succeed. Whatever obstacles Suboxone wd puts in front of you, you will learn how to adapt and overcome them.....if you really, really want this, which it certainly sounds like you do.

We've had several people come through this forum who've jumped from high doses like you did and one thng in particular I remember one of them saying is that he had to develop a warrior attitude. I loved it when he said that because it's true. You have to be a fucking warrior man!!

Lack of sleep was one of the things that had me sucking pavement during my acute wd too. If you can, go to the doctor and ask for some Clonidine. Clonidine is a blood pressure medication that's prescribed off label for opiate wd. Clonidine helps to calm the Sympathetic Nervous System AND Clonidine has a sedative effect. By far, Clonidine was the best med I took during wd. It doesn't eliminate wd, but it sure knocks it down a peg or two. Clonidine is non-addictive, non-habit forming so you can take it without any worries. I was prescribed .1mg twice daily.

OK, try to keep your mind busy, try to keep your body busy and remember.....you are a WARRIOR!!!
_________________
Be kind to yourself. Our character defects do NOT define who we are!

and thank you for the prayers... It almost makes me feel exponentially better knowing that complete strangers can are so much! Well, I guess were not strangers... We all have this in common! Means so much! I'm on lunch... Guys are cookin steaks... Lookin forward to that. Need a good dose of protein! I wish I could goto a doc... I havw no insurance as of yet. Never kicked in with my new job. Plus, what do I tell him? Just be honest? Lord knows I'll try whatever! I AM A FUCKIN WARRIOR!! Yes indeed I am! I've been through the ringer many times! This isn't going to hold me down! Thanks guys! I'll continue checkin in... I'd looove to hear more of what anyone has to say. I literally feel better just reading them! See yas later!

oh and thanks again for all the warm welcome's!!

Day 8+. WOW went through the ringer again last night. Next to no sleep. Tried everything to no avail. Got the runs a bit today... Haven't had that the whole time... Maybe it's due to the sleep deprivation? I don't know. Speaking of symptoms... What's with the sneezing!?!? Everyone at work is afraid to come near me cuz they think I'm sick. Why does that happen?? I don't see a coorelation. I get the other things.

Anyway, all that aside... I actually feel in better spirits than I have the entire time! I feel energized and clear headed! And I'm falling in love with my music again! It feels good and I have chills just writing this. It's great medicine.

I'm stayong optimistic! I know I got this in the bag and look forward to the rest of my life! It finally feels like the end is near and I get a natural high thinking about the future!! I really do! I can't fuckin wait! It's gunna be a tough road man, but I know I got this!!

btw... My lady wants me to go out tonight... Says it'll be good for me? What yous think? I'm exhausted from head to toe and have 8 hours left in my day to day... Sooo.... I just don't know....

I meant to mention the music thing in my last post, but forgot. MANY of us who have quit Suboxone talk about really getting into our music again. For me, music sounded more powerful, more alive. Another thing that came back for me was my sex drive....it came a roarin' back!!!

Yeah, the sneezing....that's an interesting one. Most all of us have reported similar symptoms after quitting. I can't explain it. I remember getting a "funky" smell stuck in my nose during most of my wd and I just figured my nose was protesting and trying to sneeze it out?

You're at day 8, that's AWESOME!!! Most people report that their acute wd peaks around day 7 or 8, then it starts improving. You should be over the worst of it, or very close.

As far as going out tonight, why not? It'll keep your brain occupied thus keeping some of your focus off of your wd. I know you're tired, but you gotta keep pushing yourself forward and getting back into the groove of life.

BTW, I think you should pick up a good multi vitamin. I started taking one a week before my wd. During my wd, my eating habits went to shit and I needed that vitamin to keep my nutrients up. Just a thought for ya.

Now, go forth and kick some ass you warrior!!!
_________________
Be kind to yourself. Our character defects do NOT define who we are!

You are doing awsome! As much as this sucks it is very empowering, if you can get thru this then you can get thru anything. You are showing yourself how strong you really are.

If you don't feel up to going out you could rent movies and stay in. You could also give it a shot and if it's too much then go home. I get keeping busy but you have been plenty busy all week with work so a snuggly night in may be good for you. I am sure the two of you can think of something to do to pass the time, wink wink! In all seriousness sex can be very good for you right now, it will get your heart pumping and endorphins flowing. There is also the added benefit of sex being natures sleeping pill for men.

You are almost thru the worst and have many bright days ahead!

reezy~ Natures sleeping pill for men" That is too funny! It is true. I am a girl, but if I am having difficultiy sleeping, an O seems to help me greatly too. I just had to coment bc it does seem after the grand finalie' those guys do drift off rather quickly...(lucky ducks)

Whoa, I was getting sleepy just from reading Breezy and Sweet's replies!! Shocked

......

_________________
Be kind to yourself. Our character defects do NOT define who we are!

Yes... My girlfriend is very obliged to help in the sex part Wink

it's definiely natures sleeping pill. Oh by the way... I SLEPT LAST NIGHT!! I mean a good solid 4 or 5 hours. Which is considering what I've been getting, was huge! I did end up going out and it wasn't horrible. We went to a nice relaxing hookah bar; was my first time at one of these places. I had some rasberry tobacco, water and sprite and was very content. In hind sight, considering how I feel currently. It's day 9 + 3 hours. It'm DRAINED! I feel like I've been working non stop and going through all this with no kind of break... Well, yea that's exactly what's happening. I am at my 2nd job at present. Yes, I work another job an hour south of me on the weekend. A lighting tech by day, and a lighting director by night. This job is much less physically demanding than the first but still a good situation to be in because I get to engulf my mind in artistic creativity... Which in turn makes me feel a little better! I have now literally worked 9 days consistently going through this and you know what? I think I'd have it this way everytime if I had the choice! In past detox attempts I would sit at home and feel sorry for myself dwelling in my symptoms and not doing anything about it... And as much as it was a challenge...
And at times SUCKED HARD! It aided in all this. So yea... I learned a lot about myself this week. I am a warrior of sorts.... And yes... I can get through anything! I'm so close to rounding 3rd and I can't wait to get my life started and move forward. I'm ready to deal with the rest of the acute stages, and the post acute recovery. Look, I won't be naive about this... It won't be easy... But I will prevail goddamnit! Far be it to me to have come this far just to fuck up and put myself back at square 1. I'm excited to live the rest of my life I swear to god I am!

Which brings me to this.... Last

submitted a bit too early.

last night was this crazy turning point. I was driving my usual commute home in friday traffic which took almost 3 hours. As the time ticked away, I could literally feel some of my symptoms slowely get fainter... Almost slipping away subtley! It was a crazy emotional experience for me. I turned onto a street that I have driven down before 10s of thousands of time before........ And you know what? It looked different. I literally looked around as if it was my first time driving the highway. It had rained a lot last night, so this added to the experience. Suddenly colors around me seemed more vivid... Everything had this beautiful sheen to it... Everything was brighter! It was literally like seeing all this for the first time! What a turning point!

Guys, everyone who has posted anything so far... Thank you for all your kind words and empowering support! I hold it in high regard that I found this place! Your all great! I'm a lucky guy. I hope to hear more from yas... I be checkin in to the end to make sure you guys know I'm really going to finish this! You know why? Cuz I AM!! I've been a soldier my whole life through a lot of bullshit and this won't even start to scar me! I'm hoping that day 10 starts to even out for me because it's my only day off and I have to go apartment hunting Sad

lol! And it's open house for my condo. Didn't think I was gunna stay with a 4hr a day commute my whole career did ya? Haa! So much for rest and relaxation!

So rounding 3rd I can feel it... Believe you me... I'm still draggin ass and feelin some usual suspects... But they're dulled in comparrison to days prior! It been such an eye opening and crazy experience. Look forward to tellin you guys the day I feel "GOOD"!!

Sooooo. Day 10. Wow. Makin it far man. All I can think of to say is at present....is... MY LEGS!!! I feel the other physical stuff slipping away and I'm very optomistic and encouraged... But my legs from ankle to upper thigh are just so sore. It's a lil painful to walk and am slowed down. I'm literally willing myself to walk a long distance. Why is this? Why does this shit attack your legs so aggresively?? For me, in this experience at least. It's the resltessness and the pain in my legs. If that was gone... I feel that I'd say I was at something like 70%. It keeps coming back to my legs. It was a chore and I had to be a bit of soldier today looking at new places to move closer to work with my girl. Walking around the grounds of large apartment complexes and stairs here and there and everywhere was challenging. Were havin dinner right now so I get a break... But... SHEEEEIT! My damn legs people!!! Any ideas?

Yeah, for your legs, try to take bathes w/ a good aount of epsome salt. like 2-3 cups of it. Try 800mg of advil. Try and this may sound strange, but put a bar of soap at the foot of your bed (under your sheets) at night when you sleep. Soap has magnesium (i found on a home remedy website called Earthclinic.com) Why not try, what ya got to loose. Maybe your GF will massage your legs. Romeo said he would go on the tredmill till he nearly collapsed. Hopefully you will get better and more responses. Good luck & congrats. You are giving me HUGE encouragement. (I am at 1/8mg. lol)

Thanks a million for the tips. Yea... I'm taking scolding hot showers as much as time will allow with my schedule. I'm doing as much walking as possible. Stretching, ibuprophane and mens one a day multivitamins, b6, 5htp, and melatonin at night... Occasionally mixing in a little benedryl for good measure... Which more recently than not, has been able to knock me out for a good hour or 2. Which a few days ago did nothing but make me groggy and hungover feeling. I appreciate the tips and welcome anyone to aid me in anyway possible! I'm glad I'm encouraging you! That means more to me than you'll ever know! That's the main reason I'm documenting my experiences on here. To show those weary and fearful that it's possible if you want it enough! I'm not going to sugarcoat, but like everyone says... If you can get through this, you can get through anything!! Congeats on getting down to such a low dose, and I give you my best when or if you decide to jump. Your experience may differ from mine tho, I jumped from a steady average of 8mg give or take for a little over 2 years to 3mg, then took the plunge after 1 day of 3mg. Yea... So who knows! Thank you again tho sweet!

What's is making me feel better in this all is the little highs I get on by thinking of my life free of the financial and subsequent burdons I've dealt with for so long from acquiring sub the way I thought I had too! On the street so to speak. So much is happening right now in my life... I have a woman that loves me the most completely I've ever encountered. I have a new job, and am looking for new residence as of last week! There's a lot of new and empowering things happening in my life and I want to be able to embrace it all whole heartedly and with minimum fallout. It was time... I never felt obligated, as I was more just ready. I was tired of the stressors and anxiety affiliated with it." I have 2 left... Will I be able to get

anything? Why isn't he/she calling me back!? I have a big gig coming up where I have to work a crazy amount of hours, will I be able to get more!?! Ugh!! Why isn't he/she answering my calls!?! Fuck! I just got beat for 200 bucks! Now what!?! Do I take pills to curb the withdrawals? Omg.. I'm going away for 2 weeks... Can I find enough to get me by? Shit! I just dropped one and can't find it! Is it in my car!?!? Godamnit now I'm going to get pulled over and searcged and I don't have a prescription to back it up! $15 a sub! Why!?!? No deals!? Omg, I just took 8mg this morning and it's 10 hrs later and I feel some faint wd's! Need to take more! Uh oh! Now I'm down more sub and I'll never be able to afford more before payday! How can I hide it!? Oh no... I can't remember where I put them (Enter heat of fear throughout entire body). Why can't I just goto a doctor? Becuause I'm too chicken shit to admit I have a problem to the guy! And the worst was... I LOST MY JOB! After 6.5years of dedicated service to the same company, (amd believe me, in my line of work it's unheard of to be with the same people for so long) HOW WILL I PAY FOR IT!!! OMFG! Please god take me now! My life is over! I'm gunna loose everything. I'm tired of fighting with her about lack of money for bills! And never being able to make it work.... Because it can't work!! Shoulda went to a doctor! Just need a prescription. But everyone tells me that when you goto a doc for subs, they won't give them to you if they're already on them!! Wtf am I supposed to do!?

(on a cell phone that keeps effin up)

The big one... My dealer got raided... Game over!! Please try again!! Goodbye!

I could go on for hours... We all could! Any ONE of us knows the miriad of questions and anxieties alike! And the bottom line is this...

I DON'T, WON't... MISS THAT SHIT ONE BIT!?!? Why did I do it to myself... Because I'm an addict and I was good at it. Were good at temporary solutions to permanent problems! God!leave me behind and let me rot! I fuckin deserve everything I get! Karma.... Can't make rent...karma... Can't find work... Karma.... I can't find a woman... Karma... Which btw... O really must of did something right to have the pleasure of having my girl in my life: holy shit I musta did something right for once! It's time!!! Were fighting....karma..... Flat tire.....karma....fuckin starter on my car died, I have no money and can't call a tow....karma...Fuck me!

We speak and think in circles... How the hell can I love someone so much when I don't even know how to love myself....?? Because she makes me want to be BETTER!! Push me to succeed and make me know I can do anything just by being able to be fueled from simply getting that smile you know you love. That appreciation and reward for you doing the right thing.... Guys.... I'm DOING THIS!!! It sucks and I know it's a tough road ahead but I'll be here letting you all know that I am doing it... That it's possible... And I'll meet all of you at the finish line!! I swear to christ,

This sounds like help needed. First post was on Feb. 22, and todays says "day 10". But today is the 26th.
What is up. Post again if you are in the state it seems.