Too close for comfort!

Well, I had my first test and I feel I failed but then passed. I have mentioned in a few other posts about my grandma going on a ventilator and dying 6 days later. I was extremely close to her and this has been very hard on me but none of that is an excuse for what I did, although I tried to tell myself it was. I was getting some change out of her purse for the vending machines and there it was a full bottle of oxycottin. I immediately got excited, opened the bottle and took 4 out, as I was doing this i am thinking why, you can't take these, just put them back. But I didn't. Within a couple hours I realized I made a mistake and decided to slip them back in her purse but the opportunity never presented itself. So the next morning I had the same thought but realized I had to tell my mom and husband what I had done, I never want to lie to them again and felt they had the right to know that I am still more fragile than I thought. So I took them back to the hospital and told my mom what I had done and gave the 4 oxys to her. Later when my husband got home i told him too, they were both happy that I confided in them but upset that it happened, which I understand because so am I. I told them this is serious and I always want them to know where I am at.

So on one hand I feel like a huge failure to have been so weak in that moment but I also feel a small sense of pride for not taking a pill and being honest with my family. It really scares me to know that after all I have been thru that I couldn't resist a full bottle of pills. How does such a tiny, stupid thing have so much pull over a person? In a way I am glad this happened because it gave me a reality check on where I really am in my recovery but I am completely disappointed that I am still that weak.

OH BREEZY_ANN, What a test,, I have to give my honest thought about this. it was sure a test and it happened for a reason

I would have to say I would have done the same thing just not sure if I would not have kept them I really don't know what I would have done. So I would have to say Be Proud of yourself You did Great and We are addicts and we always will be. So I think we will all go through a test or many test in live... BE PROUD of Yourself, you gave them back and I'm Proud of you because I really can not say what I would have done.

I feel you passed the test!!!!!

Mel Wink

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Dreams are only Dreams unless you persue them

Thanks Mel, I do have to give sub a lot of credit for giving them back. I knew because of the sub that I wouldn't feel them and it would be a waste. I think its quite possible I would have taken them had I thought they would work. I am so happy that I didn't because I don't think I could forgive myself if I had. It felt really good to give them back and be honest and I am going to remember that feeling of pride for the future.

YOU SHOULD BE PROUD AND THANKS FOR SHARING BECAUSE YOU DID NOT HAVE TO DO THAT EITHER!!!! Wink

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Dreams are only Dreams unless you persue them

Breezy_Ann said, "How does such a tiny, stupid thing have so much pull over a person?", the short answer, because we're addicts!! It has nothing to do with how smart or stupid we are, it has everything to do with the fact that we're addicts.

I have to tell you how dang proud I am of you, not only for NOT ingesting the pills, but also for fessing up and telling your mother and husband what you did. You told on your addiction and your addiction HATES it when you do that.

I think you passed the test with flying colors Breezy, you get an A+ from me!!

If those suckers were in my hands, they would have been gone.....and fast!!

Be aware, your addiction is ALWAYS looking for an opening Breezy. As soon as it spots an opening it throws your mind into overdrive and off you go. Again, I have to say how proud I am of you.

You also said how you were glad this happened, I'm glad for you too. For people like you and me, it takes a certain amount of pain in our lives before we learn, my pain came through a few relapses, your pain came from a near relapse and having to admit to your family what you did.

You did good Bud, be proud of yourself.
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Be kind to yourself. Our character defects do NOT define who we are!

Thanks Romeo, I feel quite good about it. It was so weird, I saw the bottle and it was like my body got taken over. As I was taking them out of the bottle I was thinking "why r u doing this, you can't take them" but I took them anyways. I am very happy I told my family, they are extremely supportive and I am lucky to have them on my side.

You're not weak. To actually make amends to the point of admission to your loved ones shows more courage than most people.

IMO, only good can come of this. Your loved ones are now more understanding / less complacent, you too are less complacent, and most importantly you've learned to think things through.

My relapse came down to an opportunistic moment - pills presented in front of me, next thing I knew they were in my pocket. It's the old behaviour that can kick in so easily. Next time though I get the feeling you will definitely "think before you grab", as will I, I hope! Laughing

These things become lessons, if you get what I mean.

T

WOW you held yourself accountable when you didnt HAVE TO now THAT IS A BIG DEAL.................I totally respect what you did you are very brave!!

Hang Tough
Lisa

Thanks for all the kind words, its really helped me to feel better about it.

The people on this forum are like a good bra, we provide great support!! Shocked

......

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Be kind to yourself. Our character defects do NOT define who we are!

Commendations to you - to let you know, it's hard for a non-addict to do that - a recreational user for example who has just been lucky - to look down at the bottle and just leave it - it is absurd the power of this stuff. Actually, seems it takes more strenght to have a hold of them then let them go - that's will power Wink

Romeo you just had to make me spit my coffee today didnt you Wink