Not A Chance In Hell. (HERES THE STORY) 
Author: poppieroses 
Posted: 04/09 03:13 PM 
 
I never had a chance. My parents did not give me a single chance to thrive. I am blown away I am alive today.
It starts with 12 years old, living in a chaotic household. Ma was smoking pot, not paying any attention. Re-living the ol' days.

I had depression and bipolar symptoms, as early as 12 years old. Did not find out any of this until my newly found recovery THIS YEAR.

So, how does one go from point A to point B?? Well, I started with the glorious pot smoking, since my brothers and ma were doing it, why not? I started running away from home at 12 years old. I saw my first Heroin Addict this young. At that time, I felt that I was too inexperienced to try dope via needles. I remember thinking it was fascinating & wanted to try that. It was like the "ROCK STAR" status. Well now.

I waited and instead tried LSD and Ecstasy. I was about 13 years old when I discovered E Pills and "Molly". Well, anyone experienced in THAT knows how much "smack" they put into E Pills. The browner they were, the more I loved em. I used E on and off, and pretty heavily, until I was 18 years old. I dabbled into cocaine from 14 years old-16 years old, and clearly remember coming off of it using Meth for the first time. Well, THAT was a whole new world of crazy for me. I turned into a Meth-head from 16 Years old-20 years old. Of course, it started out as a "weekend thing". Well, anyone who has ever tried that knows after being awake for a few days, it ain' the weekend anymore!

In the midst of all this in my teens, I had an offer of some mysterious creamish-whitish powder that was supposed to make me feel dream-like. Well at this point I was raving hard and didn't care. It turned out to be a giant line of Heroin, China no doubt, and I went into LALA Land. I hadn't tried it for a few years to come since nobody I knew did anything but Meth and E.

Well at 20, I met my husband. A normal, loving guy who was not into Meth. Somehow, I just got bored with it, and gradually it DID turn back into a weekend thing, then not at all. It's simply like that. The quality of speed went straight downhill and I started reacting to it much differently. Well anyway, my opiate experiences had been limited to vicodins and percs with the weekends and turned into an occasional methadone pill, fentanyl patches and morphine lollypops, on and off from 19 years old- 22 years old. I remember the first time I put a patch in my cheek, I threw up and passed out. It was terrible and I was not prepared for the dosage I had taken..very scary.
Ha. Well.

I had never tried needles with ANY of these drugs, and for some reason I believe that is why I could quit anything without a fight. The first time I used a needle, that was it. I was done.

I was 24 years old. I am now 27 years old. The 3 years of hell I endured have been an endless search for dope. I have lived the life of a straight up junkie, going hundreds of miles into a big city just to score 10$ bags of China-selling my jewelry-all of it. I went thru an exasperating amount of money and lost pretty much everything and everyone thru the last 3 years. All the years prior were hard, and I pulled through with jobs, money and charisma. This time, not so much.


Anyway, long story shortened some here, I found an amazing doctor who put me on subs. I tried the clinic thing for a couple months with subs, well that didn't work out. I quickly found loopholes and manipulated the "counselors" there, and was shooting dope and dilaudid before I even tapered off subs completely. After relapsing hard, I overdosed and nearly died. When I woke up , Nobody was there. Just me, passed out in my car in a strange city, covered in my own vomit.

This time , I found an actual doctor who works with me one on one, doing deep therapy and tracing my patterns back to childhood. The depth of which I go every week into my soul to find the broken pieces and pick them back up again is mind blowing. Its in its own league.

So that is my story in a nutshell. I had no chance, no parent to guide me, and though I love them with all my heart and understand NOW that they didn't have a chance either, I also take what they didn't do and what they did do, and try to apply it to myself to break those old patterns of self destruction.

Thanks for reading, if you did. lol.

qhorsegal wrote:

Hey poppieroses, Glad to have a new girl on the block with us! It is always good to read the stories of how each of us wound up on our path to addiction. Just wanted to comment on your therapy that you talked about. I have recently started counseling myself. I have only had one session so far, and I really don't know what to expect. Do you feel like all this talk about your childhood and understanding what started you with your addictive behaviors is really going to help you get clean for good? I'm just kind of skeptical about how all of this works and whether it is really beneficial to trudge up all of those past hurts. I know I will learn alot from her about how to deal with life now in a productive way. My question is specifically about dealing with the past, if you have found it helpful in any way. Thanks! Hope this isn't too off topic for you. Again, welcome to the board.