My Story (Long Story - Been On This Forum Finally Ready)
Posted: 07/04 09:32 AM
I dont even know where to begin to be honest. Im 26 years old. I apologize for the length of this, but I've been on this forum over a month and think I ready every single post and the insight I've gained is simply invaluable. I learned something from every post and story I read. Here goes...
At 19 I got a new job courtesy of a friend. This was my first "physical" job, and first time getting to work with my boy. I hadn't really tried anything but weed at this point, I was an honest kid with good intentions and a bright future. My older brother struggled with drugs pretty severely and that always turned me off to drugs in general. Working one day, my boy pulled out a 7.5 Vicodin and broke it in half and gave me half. He said it will put me in a good mood and give me more energy. I remember taking it with a Redbull. Wow, not that it needs to be noted or said but naturally I was in heaven. The funny part is after taking it - asking where he got it, he replied "the last house / job we were at - her medicine cabinet." I was shocked. I continued to dabble here and there, and it progressively got worse. My mother had gone through a million surgeries and had literally enough meds to kill a small army. I started complaining of back aches and she gave me a 7.5 MG percocet and showed me where the bottle was and told me to help myself. I was very good the first few months, not wanting to abuse this as it was more like a gift and way I would reward myself. "Friday morning in three days Im going to take one of those perc's with my morning coffee, I work hard I deserve it." Fast forward a few months later, now she is upped to 10 MG percocet and the bottle is constantly hidden because of it being depleted too quickly. This became like an unspoken twisted game - she would hide the bottle, I would inevitably find it. My father became aware of the situation, and went out and purchased a small safe / lock box. I learned to pick the lock. He then added another lock to the box, and I learned to pick that as well. Now all bottles of pain killers stay in their pockets at all times. My father by the way, is an alcoholic 40 + years, never admitting he has a problem or seeking treatment. He is a very angry, violent drunk also. Old stubborn Irish man.
Fast forward, In 2008 my brother was arrested with a rediculous amount of marijuana, skipped bail and was now a fugitive on the run with his girlfriend. The following week, my mother was in the hospital fighting for her life with breast cancer. I remember sitting home alone, thinking it just cannot get worse than this. I found a ziplock bag with 384 10 MG percocet's or "bananas" as I like to call them. It had a small piece of paper inside, with the number "384" written on it - I dont know how I remember that number but I do. Long story short, I threw out that piece of paper with the "count" and went to work for weeks, slowly depleting the stash. I thought this is more than enough and she STILL gets more. Now I didnt eat the entire bag but surely a good portion. I used the pills as a crutch to deal with everything going on, looking back maybe more of a way to not deal with what was going on. My mother thank god won the battle and came home, enduring more surgeries, physical therapy and pain management, a million scripts later. Also at my disposal were Ambien, Soma, Xanex, Fentanyl patches, a complete treasure chest. I really abused all of these mostly but none like the pain pills. I never withdrew from benzo's or anything else. I just liked to play when the opportunity presented itself.
Before I know it, 10 - 10 MG percocet is barely working. I used to LOVE taking 10 at once, watching a favorite movie and chain smoking cigarettes as that warm euphoric feeling rushed over my entire body (sorry so graphic, hope this does not cause any cravings). Now I was eating tons of these at home, and STILL spending all of my hard earned money to buy more. There was NEVER enough. Before I knew it, $7 a banana. This is crazy. It seemed like all the people I was associated with now either sell or abuse pain killers. I didnt even realize I had lost most of my true friends and replaced them with fellow addicts. I was in love with percocet, I had tried OC 80's and others but just wanted my bananas. Finally, my best friend got me to try a Roxy 30 - aka blue. It was love at first feeling all over. Now at this point, I had NEVER sniffed anything, never tried cocaine, and had been battling my addiction for years. My best friend who got me to try the blue was also probably one of the biggest street suppliers in recent years where I live so he had a never ending supply, and I had a never ending line of credit. He told me one day while working with him (he also owns his own business) that If I sniffed half with him he would give me what I was going to buy for free. I gave in. It burned like a motherfucker. I didnt like it really, but proceeded now to take them with him that way because that's how he does it. He says it hits quicker and you dont need as high a dosage. I just like pills.
Fast forward again not too long after. Im 26 years old, JUST lost my job for reasons beyond me (literally had nothing to do with pills), literally do not have $1 dollar to my name as I type this. Im hoping unemployment goes through. I've had a few days naturally here and there detoxing, I usually always managed one way or another to get my fix as all addicts do. I am dead broke, have a large outstanding balance with my friend and he gave me a suboxone. I've used them here or there in the past to get by without feeling withdrawals. I am on day 2 right now "clean" I guess you can say using suboxone. I had one 8 MG tablet, I took a quarter of it yesterday, another quarter today. I have actually made it an entire week using this technique but always relapse upon hanging out or working with my best friend, slash dealer. I dont feel great but I have certainly felt worse before. I know you all frown upon doing it yourself, not going to the doctor or working the steps, but this is all I have or can do for the moment. I have NO other options.
So I am on day 2 with suboxone, with having only 4 mg in 2 pieces left for the next two days. I have a pretty positive outlook, though I am hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. This drug has taken EVERYTHING from me, my money, my friends, my family, my health, my weight (I lost a ridiculous amount of weight I guess from not eating inbetween fixes and just not taking care of myself), my girl, my music, my LIFE and pursuit of happiness. I am so ready to get off this rollercoaster and have been. The sad part is, I dont remember what it's like to live life WITHOUT pills and dont remember much of who I was. I have managed to hide this from my parents all these years BTW, though they had their suspicions they think it's been long over.
I guess that's about it as of now. I have been thinking long and hard (I havent slept in the past 2 days) and realized how much I've lost and how much I still have to gain. As far as the cravings, I've fanstasized a few times but nothing to cause anxiety about suprisingly. I have accepted I have no other choice so the anxiety isnt much of a factor thankfully, but I still have a LONG road to go I am aware of this. I have nothing left to lose and only things to gain at this point but I still am weary of the future. Do you think I will detox hard from one single 8 MG suboxone spread across 4 days? I figure all the oxycodone will be out of my system, and I wont have been on the sub long enough to really feel the lasting W/D effects. I could be wrong and probably am as there is no cheating this and I brought it on myself unknowingly.
I have read all your posts, and cannot tell you how much you've all helped me without realizing it. Hat Maker, Romeo, Queenie, Ladder Tipper, ALL you guys have amazing outlooks on life and are extremely caring people and that amazes me considering we are on an internet message board. I have debated posting my story and in general many times, but finally felt ready. I dont know if my story helps anyone, but if one person relates to it or can learn from it then I am happy. I thought by 26 I would have a career, house, wife, kids, nice car, etc. I have ZERO on that list all because of pain killers and a naive approach to the slippery slope that is addiction. Suboxone really is a mericale drug, though I have never had a prescription it has helped me in dark times and I know has turnd alot of lives around. I guess Im just looking for inspiration, hope, and insight or comments from those who have been through it or are going through it. Thank you for reading, and I apologize for the length..GOD it feels good to finally get that all out!!!