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Hording Sub 
Author: christin 
Posted: 09/12 08:31 AM 
 
I hope you don't mind if I get something off my chest here. I've been hording Suboxone.

Last Fall, my doctor lied to me. He informed me that, because he was going away and"legally couldn't prescribe Suboxone with a refill", he had to schedule an appointment for me for ten days after I had an appointment (which resulted in two copays in one month for the visits and for the scripts, one of which was just a 10-day prescription). He told me that he had tried to write for refills before and that the pharmacy wouldn't allow it. I wasn't pleased. So, I checked with the pharmacist (knowing that I go to a pharmacy that most of his patients don't use). Although the pharmacist originally thought that the doctor was correct, she looked it up and told me that the law does allow for refills, only it has to be a 30-day prescription, no more.

Ten days later, I informed my doctor of this fact. My hope was that he would write me a script with a refill. Why? Well two reasons. First, he was traveling to India. What if something happened and he didn't get back in time? Secondly, I felt that I deserved to recoup the additional office co-pay that I had made. First of all, my previous appointment had been made for 25 days, not 30, and that was supposed to be because he was going out of the country. But, at that appointment, he told me that he had to schedule me for 10 days later. WTF????? Why had I come in 5 days early????? I was beginning to feel like his Sub patients were funding his fun money for his trip. I couldn't see any reason why he shouldn't do it. I was an excellent patient. 100% compliant 100% of the time.

I confronted him with the fact that the pharmacist said the script could have a refill. His response? He told me that he always wrote for 30 days only and would NEVER consider writing a refill. That's just the way that he ran his practice. Again, WTF???? If he had told me that originally, I might not have liked it, but I wouldn't argue that he had every right to run his practice as he saw fit. But, hadn't he told me that he knew that refills weren't allowed because he once had tried to write a refill? I felt royally deceived. Still, I was compliant. Until....

He came back and my appointment was for ten minutes and was a joke. I know that he was swamped and was trying to fit in all his junkies into one day (my words, not his). Same thing next month. THEN, he broke his leg and no more appointments for 5 months. All I did was show up at the office every month, pick up my script for 30 days of Suboxone, and (two weeks later) get my EOB that my insurance had been charged $75. Once more WTF?????

During all that time, I relapsed a couple of times, not on oxys (my DOC) but on the Tramadol that I had been prescribed after surgery and alcohol because of some marital issues that I wasn't up to handling. At the beginning of treatment, I signed a contract stating that I would be dropped from the program if I took any mind or mood altering substances not prescribed by him (and he won't prescribe any). A month after I started with him, he told me that he dismissed another patient due to relapse. The guy was given a week's script and told not to come back. Of course, I've never risked telling my doctor about what I've done. But, I've always been afraid of him dropping me and his treatment of me since deceiving me has made that fear stronger than my desire to comply. That's why I've tapered my dose and not told him.

The past several months, I've had a prescription for greater than the amount of Sub that I'm taking. At one time, he was prescribing 16mg and I was on 4mg. Currently, I'm prescribed 8mg and am taking 4mg. I fear that my head is as active as it is because of my deception. I started off so honest. In fact, my previous relapse from another doctor, meant that I had a supply of Sub when I started this round of treatment. I took that supply into my current doctor. I wanted to do everything that I could to make it work. Now, I have a stash of Sub and I know that I won't ever give it up. I don't ever want to feel that vulnerable to someone I can't trust.

Last visit, my doctor called me his star patient and told me to keep making him proud (okay... great... now I've got that age-old adolescent need to keep someone proud of me and the guilt of knowing that I don't deserve it!). I know that there's no way that I'm going to be honest with him. I'm also not able to be honest about this with my sponsor (though I tell her everything else). I don't tell because I can't get rid of the Sub. I often fear that I'll never be able to stay clean. That's probably why I can't come clean about the supply of Sub.

I recently heard a quote of Oscar Wilde. "Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask and he will tell you the truth." This forum is my mask. Without it, I would have nowhere to divulge such things. Of course, I don't really expect anything to change by posting it. Then again, maybe I am hoping that it will help some to be honest somewhere.