Close Call - A little Shook Up
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Close Call - A little Shook Up
Posted: 04/11 06:43 PM
Hey all.....I'd like to share about a close call I had yesterday that actually shook me up quite a bit.....Out of the middle of nowhere my neighbor from across the street (older woman) knocks on my door at 10:30AM to ask me for a favor....Her son is in town from NY and needs some help with his laptop...I have no idea who her son is but I have known the neighbor for about six years....never really spoke in detail with this woman we just always say hello when we see each other. So anyways, I told her no problem have your son bring the laptop over and I'll take a look.... Fifteen minutes later her son knocks on the door with the laptop in hand so I let him inside.....Had a brief conversation about the laptop....and in the middle of all of this my little boy comes running up to me so I pick him up...I have back problems and when I picked up my son I kind of grunted a little bit in pain......and then complained about my back as I always do since I'm constantly in some type of pain. We then had a small conversation about my back...bulged discs..blah blah blah...he then asked if I take anything for my back....I really don't get into detail with anyone about my drug history as it's not necessary most of the time.....I told him I just deal with it usually and sometimes take Aleve which works well but busts up my stomach if I take it too long....of course you know what happened next....he told me he also has a bad back and takes Oxycodone and offered me a few. Instantly my heart rate went up, I couldn't think straight, I started sweating and started feeling myself shaking. I didn't even know what to say...my disease kicked in and started telling me yah...take them and keep them for a special day...I actually had trouble speaking and managed to tell him that I had a lot of trouble with them in the past and I can't take the chance....I then told him I'm on Suboxone Maintenance for this exact reason.....We then had a brief conversation about that and then I managed to change the subject and told him I will call him later about his computer and then walked him out....After that I called my wife and immediately told her...called several people that I use for support.....I actually took another dose of Suboxone I was so shook up.... And now....I'm still getting these stupid thoughts and I'm really aggravated....I have been posting recently and expressing my gratitude for being clean and finding Suboxone..It's amazing how fast things can change.....Well now I have this guy’s computer which means I have to see him again... My wife is going to be home when I give him back his laptop..... He is going back to NY in May!!! I have this guy right across the street from my house that has my drug of choice and has made it available for free.....This is kind of giving me a sick feeling in my stomach so I wanted to throw that out there...I really thought I was stronger than this and these thoughts just have me concerned.....I am in such a good place now and I know if I pick up all bets are off.... Suboxone is doing so well for me and I don't want to screw this all up....I don't see my therapist for another two weeks...I think I may make an appointment with my therapist early this week... Wow...how quickly things can change...I feel better letting this out now.......and I think I have said enough.... Thanks for listening!
Posted: 04/11 06:59 PM
Sounds like you are doing exactly what your suppose to........you are talking about it and posting about it. I think you should be grateful. You were tested and passed. You can allow yourself to obsess about it but look at it like it was a dream and it's over now even though your going to have another dream with him in it. I had a similar experience in the past where I found a bottle of loratabs in my parents cabinet and it was in my pocket in seconds......then it hit me...what am I doing?? I put it back...told on myself and it passed. You did great.......what progress. You will make it......keep us current but know that your ok.....everything is ok..you didn't take it. I am proud of you......
Posted: 04/11 07:21 PM
I agree, you did great. A similar thing happened to me not too long ago. My husband has chronic pain issues, too, and brought some vics home. I did the same as you - increased heart rate, sweating, shaking. Then I kicked myself in the ass just like you're doing. The thing is, we don't choose this disease. A switch has been flipped in our brain and it's not a matter of self control or willpower. Yes, you reacted physically, but you did the right thing. Even if you thought about it for a split second, you did NOT act. Be proud of yourself, we certainly are. Good job!
Posted: 04/11 07:48 PM
These guys r right you did a great job man an should be so proud of yourself. ive also been in that situation once an its hard i know cause im also on suboxone for pain mang and some days r better then others. but one time i was cleaning out my room to paint it cause i got a new bed set dresser and so fourth and 4 got about a lil oxy statsh i use to keep around for a rainy day. i was perscribed a 160mgs a day so they were 80s and i had about 5 i recall in a lil pill container. this was only 6 months into my treatment and i was put in a real bad place. like you i was shakeing,sweating,knots in my stomach and mental thoughts running threw my mind and i have a bad knee so as soon as i see these im thinking oh my knee hurts so much you know all the sudden your injury is a 100 times worst cause all u want is a excuse to take them. all the heavy lifting reinjured it blaw blaw. but luckily enough i did what u did and called my mom not my wife but called my support and she works about 20 mins away as soon as i told her i had these my mom literally got home in 6 mintues to make sure i didnt relaspse and she made me flush them down the toilet. i got to say if it wasnt for her coming home i would of easily messed up. I tell my mom thanku everyday cause if it wasnt for her i would of never made it threw my first year on suboxone. she has stuck with me threw the good and the bad and i hope one day i could repay her by makeing her happy of who i became an sub has def helped me reach that goal!
Be proud of what you did man yea you have his laptop still but u passed the true test of a addict in revocery and that means more then anything and with your wife being home this time around you wont even think about it cause when surrounded by ones who love you makes the world go round!
Posted: 04/12 04:38 AM
You did the right thing. Don't be aggravated with yourself Be Proud that the system you have in place to keep from using WORKED.... Unfortunately we will have these test along the way in our Recovery. It is the way we handle these test that will decide whether we use or Not!!! If it was me I would probably try to get in to my counselor ASAP just to get it off your chest. You need to give yourself credit for being strong and doing the right thing.... Way to Go.. I would like to think I could have done the same thing you did But I'm not Sure???? Best of luck in your continued Recovery !!!!
Posted: 04/12 04:58 AM
What everyone else said AND...............that really sucks that the guy is right across the street. I can only imagine! Part of the reason this has been a heck of a lot easier for me has been that my one and only connection for OC got busted the same week I got on suboxone. So in order for me to relapse, I would either have to search for a new connection, or I would have to find a new doctor, blah blah blah. The good news is that in order for you to get high off any of that stuff, you would actually have to spend at least 3-4 days OFF the suboxone which isn't even worth it so don't bother. I don't want to get high badly enough to go through withdrawal for it. Hopefully you feel the same way. Maybe this guy will leave EARLY!
Hang in there.
Posted: 04/12 05:08 AM
I agree that seeing your counselor sooner rather than later is a good idea. I did the same thing - turned to my husband, this forum, and my therapist. Eventually I stopped kicking myself in the ass and came to the conclusion that it was a positive experience.
Jackcrack makes an excellent point - taking those oxy's without stopping suboxone days before won't do a damn thing anyway. I forgot that, too.
So pat yourself on the back and let us know how you're doing.
Posted: 04/12 08:17 PM
ARGH!!!! I just lost my entire post..... I logged in and it took me sometime to post the entire message as I was distracted a few times and walked away from my laptop. When I hit submit I was brought back to the login screen... Obviously my session timed out, I must have been in the message body for well over an hour. Or possibly because I had two separate tabs of SuboxoneForum open.. Who knows...
Oh well...Geez...I only have a few minutes here..I need to get to bed...... I was so stressed out when I began responding back and now I feel so much better. There is no way I can re-type my feelings, as I feel totally different now... I had no idea a forum would help me in such a positive way. I dropped the bat about 2 hours ago.....so I'm no longer beating myself over the head...anyways, today was a rough day at work....I had thoughts of Satan a few times and these thoughts controlled my mood....I read all of these posts several times throughout the day to ease my stress...thanks to all who posted!
Long story short.....I made an appointment with my therapist tomorrow after work.....I need to come up with a plan as Satan is going to be across the street for a month. My one and only relapse I had was due to the fact I didn't protect my recovery.... A very similiar situation too with another neighbor that moved in... I was always out front with my kids and my neighbor would come out with his little girl.... I found out he also used pills..my D.O.C. This was when I had well over a year clean and I thought nothing could touch me....I had no obsession to use and I thought I could never relapse... Boy was I wrong.... it was suggested to me back then prior to my relapse that I need to end the relationship. Obviously I never did. So this time I need to do things different.. i'm in fear that I'm going to come in contact with this guy even after I return his computer. I'm always out front with my children... not sure what to do here.....
I'll keep you all posted - thanks again for your support!
Feel the same
Posted: 04/13 08:30 AM
|Jackcrack wrote: |
|What everyone else said AND...............that really sucks that the guy is right across the street. I can only imagine! Part of the reason this has been a heck of a lot easier for me has been that my one and only connection for OC got busted the same week I got on suboxone. So in order for me to relapse, I would either have to search for a new connection, or I would have to find a new doctor, blah blah blah. The good news is that in order for you to get high off any of that stuff, you would actually have to spend at least 3-4 days OFF the suboxone which isn't even worth it so don't bother. I don't want to get high badly enough to go through withdrawal for it. Hopefully you feel the same way. Maybe this guy will leave EARLY! |
Hang in there.
Jackcrack - I wanted to reply to a few of these posts but yesterday was a crazy day... I am totally the same exact way... I never really had a good contact for oxys my entire time I used except my last time a relapsed with my neighbor. I knew I could go to a pain clinic as I live in the pain clinic capital of the world. It was pretty crazy how I actually had some type of control during this time and never said screw it let's find a doctor. My only relapse I had I did have a good contact..and that's another reason why I couldn't stop...thanks to Sub it saved my life... As you said i would have to be off Subs for 3-4 days to even feel something. That alone is such a deterrent, I feel the same way as you. So, as I said in my previous post, I need to come up with a plan to protect myself until this guy leaves....I'm in a bad place right now. Thanks for listening!
Posted: 04/13 12:30 PM
I'm glad you averted a relapse and are protecting your recovery. A couple of months after starting Sub I had the opporunity to take my DOC and unlike you I gave in to temptation and took it. The result was absolutely zero. The Sub totally blocked it, I mean it was like taking an aspirin. This is why I think Sub is such an effective tool against relapse. Not only does it keep us stable and reduce cravings, but it binds so totally to the opiate receptors that it renders all other opiates useless. I read somewhere that the analogy is that bupe is screwed into the receptors. Some say that if you don't take your Sub for a few days you could use, but if you look at the graph someone posted (in another thread) about how it builds up in your system I would say that it would take a week or more for a full agonist to work. And in a week's time if we are going to meetings, or counseling or being honest with others in our lives I think we would tell on ourselves and not go through with it.
I think that's why I don't feel comfortable about Suboxone being lumped in with methadone or other medical treatments. It's such a comprehensive therapy. I mean I know it doesn't cure us of our addiction, but it works on so many levels - it actually prevents us from getting high. It really makes me wish uninformed people could understand what a breakthrough Sub is.
Anyway, I'm glad you're doing OK. Maybe because you told the neighbor that you're in treatment he will respect that boundary. Take care,
Lilly... From suboxforum.com